he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
