i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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