even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The uberlube is also flammable
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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