I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to calm my uterus...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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