You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
