Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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