aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
