I looked at my own cervix.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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