I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize