Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
