we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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