Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
