im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
