Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
