Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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