Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
