He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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