It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
