Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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