I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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