do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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