Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
