i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
