I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
