So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
