I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
