If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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