I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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