yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize