You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
