is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
