I CAN MOONWALK!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
