hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
