No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
