my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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