my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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