I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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