I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
