Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
