I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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