They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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