I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
