my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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