I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
