Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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