Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize