I've blown a few things in my day
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
