dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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