ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
