im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
