I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
