I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she smelled like a LAN party
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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