i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
