Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
