woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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