Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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