i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
