We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
