my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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