Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
