my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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