I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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