Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
