i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
